One bourbon, one scotch, and one mav

Actually, I do, I have much better things to do. But I need to take a minute and think a bit.

I hate leaving home because there’s always so much shit that I haven’t gotten done yet, and I really need to get it all done. Considering the massive self-image problems (thank you Beta) I have, getting one little thing wrong makes me feel worthless, so it is inevitable that at some point this week I will feel worthless. I just got done finishing up my car stuff, so now I have powered GPS and mirror-mounted radar detection. It’s pretty damn slick. It’s like something you’d see in Galactica or The Matrix, shit bolted to other shit that all works, assuming you know how to work all of it. But I still need to do laundry, and get some cash, and get the schedule squared away, and… *brain explodes*

This will be my fourth Defcon and if I have learned nothing else it is these things:

1. There will always be gear you didn’t bring.
2. There will always be things you didn’t do.
3. There will always be stuff you should have thought of months ago.
4. Major Malfunction will always be cool.
5. Priest will always be scary.
6. Winn will always be funny. Also drunk.

There’s no point worrying about the stuff I can’t change because it’s not changeable. I’m just jumping at something to think about for a change. Lately I can’t seem to get interested in anything, no matter how mundane. I seem to spend all my time avoiding thinking about anything, which really bothers me quite a bit. In the last two years, I’ve gotten more antisocial and more ignorant than I have ever been. It’s all by choice, too - people just bug the fuck out of me, and I can’t seem to bring myself to do anything useful, and it’s getting worse.

For fuck’s sake, I’ve become a consumer. That is not cool.

I really don’t know what to do. Defcon usually inspires me in some way, but this year I’m hoping for inspiration more than usual. My uselessness is becoming a fucking epidemic.