One bourbon, one scotch, and one mav

I don’t know why I’m typing this, nobody ever reads this shit. And I don’t know why I’m sharing this, because it’s nobody’s problem but my own.

No matter what I do, I always feel like a failure. Beta says I invite this on myself. I guess I don’t know how to un-invite it, because I would really like to. But on rare occasions, the failure rushes over me like a wave and I feel like I’m going to drown in it. When I get into a situation that I know I’m not going to be able to get myself out of, I start to feel ill. Scared, like all the bad things that could ever happen are about to. And intimidated, like everyone around me is pointing and laughing even if I’m surrounded by friends. Alone, like nobody’s there to help me. (That’s not so far removed from reality.) But I feel all those things, even while my brain is telling me that it’s completely irrational to feel any of them. And all I want to do is run back to myself and hole up in a dark corner, or hit something. Either way, the solution is usually to excuse myself from the situation as quickly as possible, because when it happens I just can’t think right, so that’s what I did tonight.

I’m going to have to go back to work tomorrow and tell the really nice people I’ve been trying really hard to help that I have managed to totally fuck up their Exchange store (thanks to gross incompetence on my part and almost complete lack of training and assistance) and since I have no one who will help me un-fuck it, that they’re basically screwed. It makes me feel just a little ill to type that.

When the feeling comes over me, it’s terrifying. I sit and shake in my seat and try and deal with it, and in one very rare case many years back I started sobbing at my workbench like a little kid with a skinned knee. I don’t know what it’s like to feel normal, but I really wish I could.