One bourbon, one scotch, and one mav

Ever find yourself pacing the floor at 1:30 AM wondering what in the hell went wrong with your life?

Not very long ago, I was in Moscow studying. I didn’t have a great idea about what was going to happen to me, but I didn’t really care very much either. I was there, I was doing interesting work and having a good time. Now, all I can do is think about how fucking screwed I am. Kids, if you ever find yourself in this position, please take a lesson from me and don’t be so goddamn stupid.

I doubt if it’ll be possible for me to go back to Moscow, because in the end, I simply don’t have the money. So that means I’m going to have to stay here, and if that’s the case I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t get a decent job, because I don’t have a degree or any worthwhile experience. So I end up working a shit job for minimum wage for the rest of my natural life, and I end up just where I didn’t want to be. What the hell DO you do when you come to the horrible realization that you’re 1/3 of the way through your life and you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to show for it?

So I sit here, and stare at my walls, and wonder when all this horrible shit is going to come to an end. I go to sleep fantasizing about never waking up again. I wonder what life would be like if I could go back in time to about ten years ago, when I still had a shot, still had promise, and tell myself what I should do. Could I have been someone, or would I have just fucked that up as well?

Worst part about all of this is that I can’t seem to get anything useful done. When you get fixated on how shitty everything is, it’s really, really hard to get out of that mindset. Can’t sleep, can’t work, can’t do anything useful.

I guess I’ll just sit here. Maybe one of these days God will show a little mercy for once and strike me down, and then I won’t have anything to worry about. At least I won’t have to pay off my student loans.