I finally found the source of all of my problems.
Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes in a person’s life strange but inexplicable events take place wherein we are suddenly witness to an epiphany, a wonderful moment wherein we not only realize what the cause of our problems has been, but the solution to those problems as well.
Case in point: I was sitting around on my lazy, fat ass today, reading the forums and trying not to think about the CS assignment due date that was rapidly closing in, when I had occasion to check my e-mail. It’s not like I had a lot of other things to do.
The giant waves of mail that normally crash about in my spam mailbox (thanks to SpamAssassin) seemed to be a bit larger than usual, so I thought it might be wise to clean it out. But little did I know that my spam mailbox contained the secret to solving all of my problems.
Apparently this mystery woman, Shelly Bravo (any relation, I wonder?) had information about my colon. What sort of information, I wondered? Was it sneaking out of my body and raping college students at night? I’d best look, to be sure; if it was doing anything stupid, I needed to be prepared to erase the evidence.
Information vitally important to my good health? I definitely needed to check this out. Maybe while my colon was outside my body raping college students, it had developed a serious addiction to heroin. Now, while I can’t agree with raping college students, my colon is my friend and if it needed my help to get through its problem I should help it, that’s what friends do. So I journeyed forth to this page where I found out some truly disturbing facts.
I do suffer from most all of those things! I’m both fat and lazy, I get a lot of headaches, and I drool while I sleep! At least, that’s what I’ve been told. But the most disturbing part of all of this is that my colon is that rat-bastard that’s been making my nose itch like mad for all of these years!
For so many years, I’ve been trying to get rid of my nose-itching problem. To come so far only to find out that my colon was the culprit all along was quite the kick in the balls, I feel betrayed and saddened that my best friend colon could be a double-crossing bastard.
So now, dear readers, I seek out your advice. Should I confront colon with this newfound knowledge, and just see what kind of reaction I get? Should I kidnap colon and torture more information out of the bastard by eating lots of Taco Bell? What should I do now?