One bourbon, one scotch, and one mav

The next asshole that tells me “No credit is better than bad credit” is going to get skinned by my ultra-sharp knife that I carry with me all the time. They should make a fair soup. Why would I do something this evil? BECAUSE THEY’RE LIARS! LIARS! THEY DON’T KNOW SHIT, AND I’M TIRED OF HEARING FROM COCKSUCKING ASSHOLES THAT DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT AND THINK THEY HAVE IT WORSE THAN EVERYBODY.

I have no credit file with Equifax. None.

Let me reiterate: None.

I called them, and the (nice, points++) person I talked to tried several iterations of my address, even my old address when I still lived at home. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

So this explains why Edge Wireless wants a $1000 deposit to give me a phone. Yes, you heard me right, $1K. No, that doens’t include the phone, smartass.

I really don’t know what to do about this. Every credit service under the sun will tell you what to do if you’re in debt, but nobody on the whole planet seems to know what to do if you have NO credit.

If you’re a credit-smart person and you know what to do, please e-mail me. I’m desperate.